I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
