Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
