so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
