I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
