I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
