Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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