if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
