I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Someone came in the potted fern
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
