I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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