I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
