If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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