i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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