Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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