I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
