if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
