I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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