You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
