I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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