If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
