please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
