the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
