haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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