yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
