first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
