In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
