I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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