u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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