so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
