We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
