just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
