I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
