Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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