pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
