my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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