I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
