So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
