we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
