My friends, they love my intelligence
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
