btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I could fuck to npr.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
