Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
