I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
someone owes me an orgasm
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Randomize
