tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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