it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
