We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
