somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
where are my eyebrows?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
