so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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