i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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