I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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