will power is for people who don't want to get laid
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
