Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
