just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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