i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
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