I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
