Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Randomize
