textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
